


or do you not think so far ahead?

by marina_rocher



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Dan Howell/Phil Lester, M/M, bumping against each other's corners, fetus phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 19:30:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13910664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marina_rocher/pseuds/marina_rocher
Summary: Dan backtracks over and over again. It's annoying, especially to such an oblivious guy as Phil.





	or do you not think so far ahead?

There's a confusing and slightly annoying thing about Dan that constantly keeps Phil on the edge of his seat. Sometimes Phil thinks he should write everything down, every suggestive word, every sensual tone, every slip of bare skin, so sudden and so playfully thought-out. Otherwise, everything seems like no more than a fantasy.

"I like how you did your hair today."

"I like _you._ "

Phil is startled and a bit flustered. Dan is looking at him with a smirk as if he can see through the shitty laptop camera how his neck becomes all splotchy red.

Still, it feels like just a game. Like it will never become real.

"It's just so stupid!" Dan complains, his hands fumbling with the stack of papers from organizing his desk. He’s visibly nervous and slightly angry. "They called me gay even though they know I had a girlfriend."

The words ring unpleasantly in Phil's ears.

It's not the mention of Dan's ex, though he definitely talks about her a little bit too much. It's how he says the word "gay". As if it's completely foreign to him. As if he abstracts away from the concept altogether.

Phil wouldn't call himself gay too, but it's not like being bi is much different from liking only guys. It's not like the word "gay" is completely alien to him.

"Ugh, whatever." Dan rolls his eyes. Phil should have said something or at least make an encouraging sound but something just doesn't feel right.

It often doesn't.

***

Phil makes some stupid decisions. He allows himself fall for the way Dan looks at him through his lashes. For his slim body on the screen, for his jokes and laughter, for how much he cares about everything and particularly about Phil. It's difficult not to give in and honestly, Phil doesn't even try. He says no to people who flirt with him at the parties, says no to meeting friends and having coffee with his mom. Just so he can talk to Dan. He ignores what his mind tells him, ignores the danger sign that seems to be screaming: "He's just playing! It's not serious! He doesn't really want you!"

***

"I had a dream about you." Dan is lying on his side, a cheek pressed to the pillow. Phil wants to stroke his face through the screen.

"Yeah?"

Dan adjusts his position, a naked shoulder and his thin collar bones revealed by the stretched hem of his shirt. His eyes are big and bright in the light of the laptop screen.

"I dreamed that we met. And hugged. And…” His lashes look impossibly long. “...talked all night."

Phil bites his lip. He doesn’t ask if talking is all they did.

"I think about it a lot." He admits.

Dan smiles. Phil’s chest expands and shrinks again when he thinks of all the wrong reasons to feel this way.

It's such a cliche problem he almost wants to laugh at himself. Falling in love with his friend. Failing or simply refusing to read the signs. Misinterpreting. Being too afraid to ask.

***

So he does the worst thing. He tries to provoke Dan.

There’s a guy, a friend’s friend who keeps messaging Phil. He ignores him most of the time. He’s too busy chatting with Dan, he has YouTube videos to film and edit, friends and family to hang out with, his life is all over the place. But one time he replies to him. And they talk for about two hours. And suddenly Phil has a date.

“Yeah, Nick’s gonna help me film some outdoor scenes for a next video.”

He watches Dan distractedly. Tries to keep his face calm and relaxed, clutches his laptop with his hands so he doesn’t start playing with hair as he always does.

“Ah, okay. That’s fun.” Gladly, Dan is just as bad of a liar as he is. “And Nick is…? Sorry, I can’t remember _all_ of your friends' names.”

It’s strange how this clearly stated irritation in Dan’s voice makes Phil want to smile. Not for a long time though. It also makes him want to reach through the kilometers and hug all his rage and frustration away. He’s a fucking sap. Nick doesn’t have a chance.

***

There’s so much guesswork with Dan. Even Phil can get angry at times. Yes, he’s been ignoring his messages the whole day. He’s been online and hasn’t read them. He put the “Do not disturb” status on Skype. And no, he’s not being ridiculous, he has every right to be pissed at Dan, to have some time to himself, when he can figure out what’s going on in his head and what might be going on in Dan’s. He pulls out a piece of paper.

A pros and cons list? No, it’s not even his choice. He said yes to Dan so long ago and all this time he has been waiting for the same reply. But he keeps taking steps back and showing Phil his no-homo card. Phil doesn’t expect Dan to continuously admit that he likes boys. He just wishes Dan stopped being so actively repulsed by the smallest suggestion that he does.

So he makes a different list.

The signs Dan wants him too: he’s not ashamed to message first; he compliments his eyes; he sends him music, so much music; he actually listens to the music Phil sends him; he read him out loud one time when Phil was too anxious to go to sleep; he knows Phil’s schedule by heart; he’s genuinely excited about every video of Phil’s and always comments something nice, always too nice; he sends Phil his photos; he does that thing when he stretches his arms and lets his tummy and hip bones be shown; he’s…

Phil realizes he could write forever. And this list doesn’t matter anymore. His heart expands beyond his chest, his room, his city.

***

“Let’s meet.”

Dan forgave him for that one day of not replying. He didn’t say anything which Phil is thankful for and he knows it wasn’t very honest but he’s gonna make up for it. Oh yes, he will.

“When?”

Not why. Not how. When.

“Next weekend. The weekend after that. Anytime.”

Dan smiles so widely, Phil mentally adds this smile to his list.

“Yes."

**Author's Note:**

> i'm @muchdan on tumblr. drop by to say hi!


End file.
